Sad for January.

Yesterday, when I was listening to the priest, he talked about January and its relation to the Roman god Janus. Yeah, I know him. He’s the god for doors, time, windows, gates, endings and beginnings. And I also believe that he is claimed to be the god of Choices. January is a transition for a year. It’s not only the beginning but it’s also an end.

Not all ends are bad, I say. This year, 2012, I decide to be more organized. More self-controlling. Though I know what’s right or wrong, I never restrict myself from doing or not doing things which will result into a bad situation and I, again, will end up here ranting that I want to end my life.

We always say every December 31st or the 1st day of the year that we will start a new life. Nope, we can never start a new life. We can just fix and deal with what was broken and make something far better out of the scraps. We just have to move on and not to run away with all that’s left behind. We need to get through them and not over them.

This year, I’m really promising myself that I will aim to be an acad achiever. Last year was a hell for me at school. I failed too many subjects. No, I don’t ever think it was cool. Maybe, I could if I have such friends who failed many subjects but no. I feel so low whenever I see my friends who’s really cool because they got to pass their subjects even tho they party at times.

I really have to concentrate. My aim this year is to earn money, get a better physique, excel in academics, get my own room, fix things, rebuild friendships, buy my own things, be more independent, help my mom, and lovelife? Nah, not now. Maybe after I’ve done all of those. Love life is in the last spot of my priority list. It will just get in to you and you won’t notice it.

I’ve lost friends and loved ones. Washed some people and knew that they could never be clean no matter what. Made wrong decisions, but so what? I have plenty of years to live. Many opportunities to grab. It’s not as if I could suffer much in that one decision. Let go and let God!

Let’s do fight’em!

2012
01/01
CATEGORY
2012
thoughts and theories
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The strange sea.

Hearing one of your favorite songs and you promised to sing that song on your wedding day. Yes, I’m that sweet. I’d do anything to make you happy. That’s what I love about this song. This song is for torpe guys. The guys that has no guts and confidence in them.

It makes me depressed whenever I’m thinking that you don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know. I’m sorry. I can’t help it but I’m really trying to move on because I see no hope. My bestfriends say that you doesn’t seem to care about me. No concern and such so I’m really trying not to hope anymore ’cause I’ll just be hurt again. But, I’m waiting for that girl. That girl that will get my dedication for this song but I really hope that it’s you.

I know it’s a bit OA already but really. I, somewhat, don’t care.

2011
12/29
CATEGORY
thoughts and theories
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How depressing..

Bakit may mga tao ngayon na hindi pinapahalagahan ang mga tatay nila? I mean, yeah sometimes they can be a pain in the ass but, I’m pretty sure you’ll miss them like hell if they’d be gone (which I hope not). Ewan ko, this weather seems to remind me those days. November, Sunday, cloudy. Perfect time for a family. I miss him so much. How he eats skyflakes. How we steal his sprite light in cans because he’s not allowed to drink beers and liquors anymore.

I just realized na I’m envious about those people around me. They have their dads beside them but they’re just pushing them away. Last night, I was searching for my friend’s lover in his phonebook and texted an unregistered number at the log since he said that he doesn’t save her number  ’cause he’d it memorized. But, as soon as he knew, he told me that it was his father’s. To prove that, he even called him. Talked to him like normal, irritated, people would. And he said some quite offensive words. When the talk is over, I asked him, what’re those words for, what did his father say? He said that his dad told him that he loves him.

And I was like, at the most bottom end, face flat on the ground, see-saw. I wish I still had my dad saying that to me. But, I guess I can’t understand why does he feel that way since his parents are separated.

Sobrang nakakainggit lang kayo, sana alam niyo. :(

2011
11/27
CATEGORY
thoughts and theories
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it’s another long shitty post– do not read

lahat ng tao may problema, pero hindi lahat ng tao nakakaya ang problema. madali lang sabihin na, God wouldn’t give you obstacles that you can’t go through. iba kasi pag family. as in the family itself. your relationship with one another. the way how you treat one another. the way “other” people get into it and acts like they belong, acts like they don’t do any damage.

pwede naman kasing lumabas sa usapan, diba? it doesn’t mean that if you’re staying in this house, you belong already. no. you never belong and you will never belong. people change. that’s given. pero ang masaklap is the way they change does not fit their age. kung kelan, ganito, kelan naging ganyan. seriously?

like i said on my twitter, i wrote “family” as one of my weaknesses and not as one of my strengths. how can a sad/disgusting family be one of your strengths. most of the time it’s fair happy. i mean if you’d base it on color it’s yellow. fair happy. not green. but there are moments when it goes blood red. those are the moments when i want a stable job already so i can move out.

but what bothers me is that i’ll leave my little sister alone with these monsters. seryoso. these people don’t know how to talk properly. how to weigh things. how to know what’s and what’s not to be said and done. fuck it.

2011
11/14
CATEGORY
pakikipagsapalaran
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too personal to read [intense]

i know you’re all sick of reading my posts. rants about my family. actually, it’s just my mother.

yeah i know you should love your mom at all times because of this.. because of that.. but there are certain instances that you’ll hate them. i know i hate her. i can’t stand her attitude. palibhasa kasi, kung sino-sino nang nakakasama. kaya ako, i don’t judge people on what they are. i judge them on what they do. kahit sabihin mong nagseserve ka pa sa simbahan, it’s not your ID to say that you’re kind.

kaya ayokong magsimba eh. can you blame me? i hate talking to people who pretends nice. it makes me sick. who knows what can I do if i can’t stand those bastards anymore.

ngayon, ayaw akong suportahan ng nanay ko. kesya daw ganito, kesya daw ganon. ayaw nga akong bilhan ng phone eh. even though i said na ako na magbabayad. or i-awas niya nalang sa baon ko. ayaw niya parin. so, ano ko. paano na ako. nagaaral ako sa manila, ma. reality check. umuuwi ako ng las pinas. buti sana kung diyan lang ako sa times nagaaral eh. or buti sana kung sa seton parin ako pero hindi. manila yon. a 3-hour transpo back and forth is a long time for things to happen.

sana nga ma-stranded ako, or mawala, or ma-aksidente.
or mamamatay. ayoko na kasi ng ganitong buhay.
it’s not worth-living. seryoso. kung kayo nasa kalagayan ko.
t0 be c0ntinued.. (not done yet, i’ll be back lol)

2011
10/17
CATEGORY
pakikipagsapalaran
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